Perhaps

So the grandmother of which I have spoken has been ill for some time. The official diagnosis has been peripheral neuropathy which can best be defined in her case as all over pain and numbness. After 3 years of searching for the underlying cause, there may now be a culprit. The doctors found something in her lung and possibly on her lymph nodes.

My grandmother smoked for nearly 60 years and just quit 3 years ago. That car trip from Tennessee to Kentucky? She smoked with the window rolled up the whole time (didn't want to mess up her hair). My childhood summers were spent wandering in and out of my grandma's big kitchen all evening, passing through billowing smoke. Hidden somewhere in that smoke I would find my grandparents and parents, playing cards, smoking and listening to old timey country and western on the radio. All except my dad, who quit smoking before I can even remember. It's funny because in so many ways it was an ideal and typical American childhood. And smoking was typical. My grandma and mother always smelled like Benson & Hedges and Tabu perfume.

So Sunday night was an MRI. This morning she is having a biopsy. They are hoping to do a needle biopsy, but may have to do an open incision. I'm feeling a bit shocked at the moment. My grandmother and I have always had a very close, occasionally conflicted relationship. My brother recently said that if grandma had been born later, she likely would have lived her life much as I have lived mine. I'm struggling at the moment to accept that fact that this is happening and try to be strong for her because she seems to want touse me as her punching bag/anger outlet at the moment. At least I hope it's for the moment because I don't know if I can handle having such a mean relationship with her. She's certainly a strong headed and sharp tongued lady.

I just hate that she will probably never know my children. I hate that no description I can ever give will make them know what she sounds like when she's incredulous. And I hate that I can't be shielded from this because now I'm a grown up.