it would be funnier if it wasn't so creepy/depressing

Some of you may recall when I described a man I work with that I refer to as Count Chocula. Over the past year this man's complete and utter insanity has come to the surface, in occasionally hilarious, often unsettling ways. Like the time his robes had become really ratty and dirty and he knew that I had a friend who was handy with a sewing machine. He asked if she could make new robes for him and when she was unable to do it, he made them himself. He looked just like Charlie Brown in his holey Halloween ghost costume. He eventually found someone to make some robes for him, but seriously, if you're a priest, wouldn't the church provide you with clothing? Following is a partial list of some of the gigantic lies/fantasies which he tells us. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Zelig:

-That he is a cardinal and answers only to the Vatican. He insists that he be addressed as Monsignor.
-The time I walked up and he picked up the phone on the desk and said "Hello? Rome?"
-That he voted on the most recent Pope.
-That he was thrown in Chairman Mao's communist Chinese prison for 2 years for preaching.
-That he was thrown in Castro's communist Cuban prison for 2 years for preaching.
-That he was tortured by African "natives" and they shoved wood splints under his nails. For preaching.
-That he was the president of a university.
-That he speaks fluent Urdu, but couldn't understand when someone asked him (in Urdu) his name.
-That he was the medical director of a major hospital.
-That he spent 2 years in a concentration camp (always with the 2 years!)
-That every morning at 4am he personally says the mass for every priest in NYC.
-The latest, and certainly funniest, that he has had an ongoing affair with Tom Selleck. Tom is currently mad at him because he didn't go to LA last summer to visit him. Apparently we have "no idea how firm" Tom is; except for his face, which is withered from years in the sun.

I'll pause there to give you the opportunity to throw up in your mouths.