it came apart, it will come back together

So, unknown to most, Jamie and I were expecting a kid. Based on the first ultrasound, which still hangs on the fridge, we'd taken to calling it "Dot". My pregnancy was going along pretty well. No morning sickness, just utter exhaustion and sore boobs. But for some reason, I don't know if I ever did commit myself to it entirely, mentally. I don't know if I trusted it, I guess. It took me so long to get pregnant, I don't think I could quite believe it at first. But over the past few weeks, I really started to embrace it, as much as I could. I guess tempered with a healthy dose of realism.

On Monday I woke up feeling crappy, had a cold. Then I started bleeding, lightly. I called my doctor. By the time Monday night rolled around, the bleeding was fairly steady and not as light. They sent me to a place Tuesday morning to have a sonagram. Despite the ongoing bleeding, my worst fears weren't realized. Surprisingly, not only was I still pregnant, but I could see how much the little thing had grown since the last ultrasound and, even better, I could see the heartbeat and it was strong and healthy. So, I came home and talked to my doctor again. He scheduled me to come in to the office Wednesday morning (today).

Then late yesterday afternoon the bleeding got worse. Around 7:30 I started having contractions and by 9pm, I was no longer pregnant. I think I've spent more time in my not so tidy little bathroom in the past 24 hours than I ever thought possible. But never in a million years did I envision standing in my bathroom, holding an embryo in my hand. An embryo which I then had to put in a bag and take to the doctor with me, for potential chromosome testing.

I'm an emotional person and the hormonal stuff that's been going on certainly doesn't make it easier, but I do have a sense of tranquility about this. I know that if this specific kid was meant to be, I would have carried it to term. I'll be grateful when the immediate nature of this fades a bit; when the physical pain stops and I can start thinking about it from a different angle, instead of constant twisting in my gut, sharp pains and having to wear what I can only describe as a ladydiaper.

For an added layer of wierdness, yesterday was our 3rd wedding anniversary.