november was the longest month

Once again, November was a crappy and difficult month. I've sworn off deriving any kind of pleasure from Thanksgiving, because for as long as I can remember it's been a stressful and depressing holiday.

On October 30th my healthy and happy grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. It had spread to his lymph, bones, liver and then brain and 30 days later he died. 30 days. No one in the family even had a chance to wrap their heads around it, least of all him. Jamie and I went home the week before Thanksgiving to visit with him. He was in and out, although mostly in. He had some wild hallucinations though since it had spread to his brain at that point. He saw fog rolling in off the walls, red bugs crawling, saw his dogs sitting at Jamie's feet. But when I said goodbye to him and I was crying because I knew it was the last time we'd see each other, he said "Kaci honey, you're too pretty for me never to see again."

He died a week ago today and we went back for the viewing and funeral. It felt like everything a funeral should be. The time spent with family was comforting, the services felt intimate and not impersonal and I came home feeling oddly relieved. At least it was over fast and he didn't have to suffer. And I think my grandma is holding up better than we could have expected.

One of the more unnerving things to happen while we were in Ohio was that my mom found a gray hair on my head. That might not sound like much, but it's a huge deal to me. My mom was totally gray by 40, but my dad didn't get a single gray hair until he was almost 60. I have my dad's coloring and was obviously delusional in thinking I had no/would get no gray hair. But as Jamie pointed out, mom zeroed right in on that one gray hair and seemed to take a little too much pleasure in it. It's kind of fitting that she found it the day after we buried Grandpa because I was thinking a lot about mortality at that point (duh), but not my own mortality, everyone else's. Now I have a piece of paper with a gray hair taped to it and the date noted. Stupid, shitty gray hair.