Auntie Maim

So this week developed about as far off from my expectations as possible. Observe:

My 18 year old niece was flying in last Sunday night for a 2 week visit/graduation present. The back story of the niece is one that blows my mind a bit, but is not that unusual, given where I'm from. She's from small town Ohio, born and raised, and with the exception of a visit to my grandma's house in Tennessee when she was single digit age, she's never been out of central Ohio. Never flown, never seen a city larger than Columbus (barely a "city" that). Her parents never encouraged any involvement in activities, be it sports, music, uh reading. Nothing. As a result, she's never participated in anything, never developed a passion of any kind. She doesn't listen to music or read books. She doesn't even read magazines.

Her immediate family is something of an anomaly among the family as a whole. They are estranged from the rest of us, having openly and often referred to my other brother and I as "stuck up" and "fake". I was told by them that my belief that college as neccessary and valuable is basically high falutin' snob talk. Because they both work in physical labor and damn it, it's good enough for them. My sister-in-law's family is particularly stellar. One of her sisters has 4 kids, all different fathers, 2 of which are in jail. Her own 21 year old niece (who also has a baby whose father is in jail) was just shot when a drug deal went poorly. Her brother has 3 kids, all different mothers. My brother dropped out of high school, got kicked out of the military and has spent 3 years of his life behind bars. So as you can see, I always thought it was really important to try to be a good role model for my niece and I hoped to expand her world view in some small way. She seemed very excited about the trip and suggested that it be a 2 week long visit.

Before her arrival, I had asked her to think about things she wanted to see and do while here. That was one of the good things about the visit being so long; at least she'd really get a feel for it. So last Sunday evening, we picked her up at LaGuardia. We were anxious about any number of things. Did we buy the right type of groceries? What the hell do you do with an 18 year old? I had told her that I would teach her the subway system and get her a Metrocard and I expected her to explore some on her own before the end of the 2 weeks. She had always been an adventurous kid and seems that at 18, there's no better time to explore New York.

So as we see her walking through the airport, her cell phone connected to her ear, a slouchy, sullen teenaged vibe about her, we really should have run screaming. Instead we load her into the car and head home to Brooklyn to catch up and eat dinner.

Us: So, what are some of the things you'd like to do while you're here?
Her: I dunno.
Us: Well, is there anything particular you'd really like to see? Times Square? Statue of Liberty?
Her: I haven't really thought about it.

Well shit. She then proceeded to tell us about her cousin and her cousin's boyfriend getting shot (see above) . And shit again.

On to dinner. She is what's referred to by my mother and grandmother as a "good eater". In their world this means someone (esp. a young person) who eats vegetables and is not terribly picky and goes back for seconds. I was known as a good eater too. But even with this ringing endorsement of her gustatory prowess, I was concerned. A not-too-picky eater in small town Ohio, with parents who don't cook and meals that usually involve something from a box is not the same thing as a not-too-picky eater in NYC, especially in my house. So I tried to cook things for the first meal that were somewhat familiar, but without having to feel ashamed of myself. I mean really, I can only dumb it down so much. So we got some homemade sausages (pork and brocolli rabe and chicken apple) from Fairway, which were grilled. I made tabouli and I made potato salad with purple potatoes, jicama and whole grain mustard. To her credit, she tasted everything. And hated everything. So she made herself a sandwich. Thank God Jamie bought the deli meat, otherwise she would have starved.

After dinner we decided to walk her around the neighborhood, to help her get her bearings, show her where the subway is, bagel shop, bodega, etc. It was the night before trash pick-up, so bags were on the sidewalks. Here is a sampling of some of the things said:

What's that smell?
Is it safe to be walking out here? {it was 9:30pm}
Why is there garbage everywhere?
Why don't people use trash cans?
What's that smell?


The smell question was repeated about 4 more times. At one point she said she felt weird because in Delaware (our hometown), everyone knows her, but here nobody knew her. It was funny because I left Delaware when I was 18 years old and it was precisely because everyone knew who I was. On the plus side, it was the most she'd said all night and by far the longest sentence she'd uttered. She proceeded to talk to her boyfriend 3 times that night. At one point I heard her say "there's garbage everywhere".

So the next day, Monday, I had to work until 1:30, but I'd be home at 2. I gave her a TimeOut NY and asked her to think about what she wanted to do that afternoon/evening when I got home. I made many, many suggestions to help her come up with ideas. When I got home at 2, she was dozing on the couch watching MTV. I asked her if she ate breakfast and she said no. She didn't want to try granola because it looked too weird and she wouldn't eat the Cheerios or Mini-Wheats because she's never had soy milk and didn't want to try it. She didn't like the OJ because of the pulp. When asked what she did finally eat, I was told "a sandwich". So she'd been here for 2 meals and both consisted of a sandwich. Great. So I mustered up some excitement because, hey! now comes a fun part.....exploring NYC! What would you like to do?

Her: I dunno.

Are you kidding me?!?!?! What is it going to take to get this girl to make a decision?! So after much back and forth, I made the executive decision that we were going to Union Square. At least there she could visit a couple of big chain stores to make her feel at home, ie, Barnes and Noble and Forever21. But oh, yeah, she doesn't read. So we go. She asks a question about a man we saw in our neighborhood with a turban (are there a lot of people like that here?). The boyfriend calls twice while we're in Union Square. Another conversation:

Me: What do you like to do for fun?
Her: I dunno { I know this seems typical or cliche, but it really is what she says}
Me: Well, what do you and Scott do when you go out?
Her: Well, Scott really likes movies so he takes me to the movies.
Me: Okay. And what about you? What do you like?
Her: I dunno.

Repeat ad nauseum. My mother and husband will tell you that nothing can get me fired up faster than a woman who either has no opinion or won't ever voice it. Someone who meekly goes along with whatever a man decides. A woman with no personal goals, only hoping to make a man happy. Someone like my niece. Oh God, this is going to be rough. I said nothing though. It wouldn't do any good to preach. Teach by example.

So I asked her about college. Right now she lives with her boyfriend and his parents because she and her parents had a fight and in March they kicked her out. She said she wants to go, but right now she doesn't plan on going this fall. She's going to take some time off. Because she's a manager now at Burger King and she's looking for a full time job that will give her benefits. And because she and Scott are planning on getting their own apartment. Oh God.

So we come back to the apartment and she immediately asks if she can go for a walk, cell phone attached to her ear. When she comes back, she tells me that she's going back to Ohio early. How early, I ask? Tomorrow. Why?

It smells here.
There's garbage everywhere.
The food is weird.
The people are weird.
She misses her boyfriend.
She's worried about crime.

So basically, she lasted a day and a night. We (me, Jamie, NYC) broke her.

I've had a few days to process all of this and I'm feeling a little bit better. This despite the fact that I got scathing e-mails from her mother. She yelled at me for not being considerate or accomadating enough. She also yelled at me for pushing my niece too hard about college. The kicker of that particular part of the e-mail is that she spelled it "collage". I shit you not.